"So I went into parenting fairly smugly, thinking that I could raise these perfect feminist sons who would never be those children who hit or wreak havoc in a restaurant and that I would never fall into the whole “boys will be boys” trap. But then I was pretty blindsided by how physical and rambunctious my boys actually were in real life. " oh my god I felt this down to my toes
Mom of 4 sons here. I definitely also starting parenting thinking we wouldn't have toy guns. And ended up w a "War Wall" (my oldest son learned U.S. & world history thru an interest in wars & historical weapons) & an arsenal of Nerf weapons. Plus also a blog, website, & book about books, b/c I learned that a lot of what I thought about boys/raising boys wasn't true. My guys are now 18, 21, 23, & 26, and I can definitively say that they are all decent ppl.
Thank you so much for this. I grew up in a trio of sisters and find myself parenting four boys (two biological sons, two stepsons). I ardently believed, all my life, that any differences are all perception and socialization; my sisters and I fought, played in the mud, farted on each other, all the “usual things.” I was completely unprepared for how little I would actually be able to affect my own son’s innate….physicality, and especially unprepared for the chemical reaction that seems to happen when more than one boy is in a group, especially a group of only boys. One boy alone is very different than even two boys together, in that same way, that “you could spend your life redirecting and intervening and literally not a single thing would change” way.
I think that the “boymom” culture we currently see is at least in part a reaction to all of that – it is women who grew up firmly believing all of this (gestures around) is a construct, and who find themselves confronted with the uncomfortable reality that at least some of it is not. And who feel defensive about that, and misunderstood or inconvenient, especially when it can feel socially unacceptable to say anything other than that all of it is a construct, all of it is socialization and expectation and perception. It can feel so alienating when parents of daughters chime in to comment on how rough and physical their own children are as well. It’s unfair to boys, and to their parents, to pretend that the only difference between these children is how we treat them, and it’s doubly unfair to codify that belief in our institutional (ie school etc) expectation that “good children” behave in ways that relatively few boys seem able to at certain ages.
None of this is comfortable for me to write out at all.
Like you, I think that rather than merely needing more masculinity/positive male role models (although that too!), boys need to be taking in a lot more influence from women, but I think that too often we position the innate “boyness” of boys as disqualifying them from environments structured by women, from environments that are not stereotypically masculine, etc. Both my sons take ballet and several of the other boy parents at the studio badly want a boys’ specific class, but I have to say I am extremely happy with both my sons being the only boys in their class, for now. Not because boys are “bad” and I don’t want my own boys around other boys, but because I do think there is something they gain from regularly but briefly (like, not a full school day 5x/week) being in an understanding, supportive environment where “boy” is not the dominant behavior mode. My younger son is supposed to move up a level this year and I specifically asked to have him held back in the younger level, because I do believe that the behavior expectation for the older class level is not an environment where he will be able to feel like a “good kid” – my strong inclination is that he will quickly come to feel “bad” for being more rambunctious than is acceptable in that class, and truly, as a 7-year old boy, he fits in better with the 5-6 year old girls, who do a lot more skipping, who do a lot more narrative play in their technical exercises, who do freeze-dance at the end of each class, etc – the behavioral discipline in the younger class is a stretch for my son even as one of the older students, it’s a reach, it’s something worth working for, and that’s okay with me! My fear is that the studio owner, who wants him to move up, is viewing him through the lens of girl students being the default – a girl at his technical level would move up – and that, quickly, the girl-focused behavior expectations for a child his age will become just another place where he can’t measure up, where he’s innately bad, another place where a kid like him isn’t welcome, etc.
thanks for this thoughtful comment- I relate to so much of it and wrestled with all of it in BOYMOM. It can end up driving you crazy! (or at least it did for me!)
Ally! Thanks so much for this! Overlaps a lot with how I feel about "boymom" culture etc. Japh's first best friend was a girl and I felt pretty smug about that, also he has friends who might wear skirts or use diff pronouns, but there is something that he clearly wants to emulate of men in baseball that goes beyond me and my influence. <3<3
"So I went into parenting fairly smugly, thinking that I could raise these perfect feminist sons who would never be those children who hit or wreak havoc in a restaurant and that I would never fall into the whole “boys will be boys” trap. But then I was pretty blindsided by how physical and rambunctious my boys actually were in real life. " oh my god I felt this down to my toes
my favorite kind of hubris!!!! I wasn't going to have toy guns! I wouldn't use gendered language! I'd be different! lol yes Ruth nails all of this
Mom of 4 sons here. I definitely also starting parenting thinking we wouldn't have toy guns. And ended up w a "War Wall" (my oldest son learned U.S. & world history thru an interest in wars & historical weapons) & an arsenal of Nerf weapons. Plus also a blog, website, & book about books, b/c I learned that a lot of what I thought about boys/raising boys wasn't true. My guys are now 18, 21, 23, & 26, and I can definitively say that they are all decent ppl.
Wow, sounds like you’ve had quite the journey in raising your boys! It’s amazing to see how they’ve grown into decent people.
love hearing that!!
This is such a thoughtful interview. Immediately adding Boymom to my reading list! Thank you!
Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy it!
thanks so much!! It's a really thoughtful book, imo! <3
Ah thanks so much Janet- so great getting to talk to you about BOYMOM! (and man books!)
the guest of hono(u)rrrrrr!!!! Ruth, congrats on the book! Really got me thinking (now I need the MEN to read it) <3 <3
Ah thank you! So glad to hear this. Xx
This is my favorite part: I’m always wondering, Who is actually watching your kids right now?
YES
Thank you so much for this. I grew up in a trio of sisters and find myself parenting four boys (two biological sons, two stepsons). I ardently believed, all my life, that any differences are all perception and socialization; my sisters and I fought, played in the mud, farted on each other, all the “usual things.” I was completely unprepared for how little I would actually be able to affect my own son’s innate….physicality, and especially unprepared for the chemical reaction that seems to happen when more than one boy is in a group, especially a group of only boys. One boy alone is very different than even two boys together, in that same way, that “you could spend your life redirecting and intervening and literally not a single thing would change” way.
I think that the “boymom” culture we currently see is at least in part a reaction to all of that – it is women who grew up firmly believing all of this (gestures around) is a construct, and who find themselves confronted with the uncomfortable reality that at least some of it is not. And who feel defensive about that, and misunderstood or inconvenient, especially when it can feel socially unacceptable to say anything other than that all of it is a construct, all of it is socialization and expectation and perception. It can feel so alienating when parents of daughters chime in to comment on how rough and physical their own children are as well. It’s unfair to boys, and to their parents, to pretend that the only difference between these children is how we treat them, and it’s doubly unfair to codify that belief in our institutional (ie school etc) expectation that “good children” behave in ways that relatively few boys seem able to at certain ages.
None of this is comfortable for me to write out at all.
Like you, I think that rather than merely needing more masculinity/positive male role models (although that too!), boys need to be taking in a lot more influence from women, but I think that too often we position the innate “boyness” of boys as disqualifying them from environments structured by women, from environments that are not stereotypically masculine, etc. Both my sons take ballet and several of the other boy parents at the studio badly want a boys’ specific class, but I have to say I am extremely happy with both my sons being the only boys in their class, for now. Not because boys are “bad” and I don’t want my own boys around other boys, but because I do think there is something they gain from regularly but briefly (like, not a full school day 5x/week) being in an understanding, supportive environment where “boy” is not the dominant behavior mode. My younger son is supposed to move up a level this year and I specifically asked to have him held back in the younger level, because I do believe that the behavior expectation for the older class level is not an environment where he will be able to feel like a “good kid” – my strong inclination is that he will quickly come to feel “bad” for being more rambunctious than is acceptable in that class, and truly, as a 7-year old boy, he fits in better with the 5-6 year old girls, who do a lot more skipping, who do a lot more narrative play in their technical exercises, who do freeze-dance at the end of each class, etc – the behavioral discipline in the younger class is a stretch for my son even as one of the older students, it’s a reach, it’s something worth working for, and that’s okay with me! My fear is that the studio owner, who wants him to move up, is viewing him through the lens of girl students being the default – a girl at his technical level would move up – and that, quickly, the girl-focused behavior expectations for a child his age will become just another place where he can’t measure up, where he’s innately bad, another place where a kid like him isn’t welcome, etc.
thanks for this thoughtful comment- I relate to so much of it and wrestled with all of it in BOYMOM. It can end up driving you crazy! (or at least it did for me!)
Ally! Thanks so much for this! Overlaps a lot with how I feel about "boymom" culture etc. Japh's first best friend was a girl and I felt pretty smug about that, also he has friends who might wear skirts or use diff pronouns, but there is something that he clearly wants to emulate of men in baseball that goes beyond me and my influence. <3<3
Great piece!
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Film friend: “there’s only one L in malick “